I wonder if anyone ever reads this....
Five awkward things about myself.
1. When I was little I used to eat worms for money. Okay...I was like twelve, so I guess not that little.
2. I also used to eat the wrappers from my muffins, and occasionally still have the craving. Should I go on one of those "I eat weird things please save me" shows?
3. I'd rather play in a swamp than a swimming pool. Not because I dislike swimming pools...but because I like playing in mud. Playing in the swamp with my best friend was how I spent my summers through fifth grade. I do, however, LOVE the smell of swimming pools. And bleach.
4. I have a really messed up back. I'm not sure if it has any correlation...but I started noticing it when I fell off of the school bus when I was in elementary school.
5. When I was eight, I used to play sword fight with my little brother when our babysitter was watching us. She told us to say a swear word that rhymes with "lastard" anytime one of us was hit, so I didn't know it was a bad word. Days later, I was having a water balloon fight with my family, including aunts and uncles, and my dad hit me with a balloon. I called him the word that rhymes with "lastard" in front of everyone, and didn't understand the gasps. I'm still mortified about that.
Here's the things about the quirks people have. You can get to know all the "normal" things about them. When you keep digging and finally reach the quirkiness, you know you've found the good stuff. Let's hope my future husband and family feels the same way....
;-)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Random thoughts I've been pondering
What a life. Really. One of my very best friends said to me yesterday, "You have the most "life ADHD" of anyone I know." HA! Isn't that the truth!?
I've tried SO many things, and there have only been a couple of those things that I haven't enjoyed outrageously! How blessed is that?! I do change my mind a lot about things, but I guess I don't see that as a bad thing because I'm still headed somewhere. In fact, in about 2 years or so, I will have three college degrees (Lord willing)! I have met SO many people. I have learned to adapt to diverse crowds. I have friends in all sorts of places. I love that about my life, and I wouldn't trade it for the straight and solid path. My path has had lots of cracks, and a few giant potholes. But God has brought me through all of it for a reason, and I believe He will use every bit of it! So, thank you God for the broken and windy road.
It would be easier to not change my mind about things...but I'm happy that things turned out this way.
On a completely seperate note...I've been thinking about unconditional love a lot lately. I feel that the last several months of being broken down and in rough places (which I believe God brought me through for a reason), has deepened my heart to a new level. I've realized lots of pride and selfishness in my love in the past, and God has been filling in those black holes with His love. I find myself thinking about the ones I love with a renewed heart. Thanks God. :)
I'm learning to be content, and God is doing all the rest for me.
Loving you,
Alex.
I've tried SO many things, and there have only been a couple of those things that I haven't enjoyed outrageously! How blessed is that?! I do change my mind a lot about things, but I guess I don't see that as a bad thing because I'm still headed somewhere. In fact, in about 2 years or so, I will have three college degrees (Lord willing)! I have met SO many people. I have learned to adapt to diverse crowds. I have friends in all sorts of places. I love that about my life, and I wouldn't trade it for the straight and solid path. My path has had lots of cracks, and a few giant potholes. But God has brought me through all of it for a reason, and I believe He will use every bit of it! So, thank you God for the broken and windy road.
It would be easier to not change my mind about things...but I'm happy that things turned out this way.
On a completely seperate note...I've been thinking about unconditional love a lot lately. I feel that the last several months of being broken down and in rough places (which I believe God brought me through for a reason), has deepened my heart to a new level. I've realized lots of pride and selfishness in my love in the past, and God has been filling in those black holes with His love. I find myself thinking about the ones I love with a renewed heart. Thanks God. :)
I'm learning to be content, and God is doing all the rest for me.
Loving you,
Alex.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Love of Christ...cause after all it's all about Love
Love. Brokenness. Purity. A righteous heart. Humbled. Community. Together. Perseverance. Patience.
I feel like these have become just words. Mere words. The meaning, the value, the depth behind them has been drained. I myself find myself giving up on these "virtues" or "values." This life is hard. Pain and sufferring happen and it's hard to love. Really love. It's hard to forgive, it's hard to still seek community when you've been heart by people.
Why did Christ come to earth, live a human life, and die a sinners death...when he was innocent? Did he do it just to save us? Well, yes He did do it to save us...but why? It was because He LOVED us. He LOVES us! Sinners! Murderers of our own flesh! Christ DIED an UGLY death for us because He LOVED us! How have we lost sight of what love like that means? Why have we gotten so busy, so selfish, so wrapped up in "how we will change the world," when Love can do that??
Christians. CHRISTians. Christ. Love. For God SO LOVED THE WORLD He sent His only begotten SON so that whoever believes in Him will never die...but live eternally!!! Christ came because he LOVED us! God sent His son because He LOVED us!!! Who are we to think we can change the world without the Love and power of Christ?!
I have become so frustrated with myself because I don't love the way Christ would have me love. I give up. I get upset because I don't recieve the way I'd have it, so I give up. How selfish is that?! No more.
If we (Christians) can grasp the concept of loving in a Christ like manner (no...that doesn't just mean loving platonically...it means truly loving...no matter the circumstances, no matter the depth of relationship, no matter any of that), we can change the world. If we do what we were made to do, and spread the Love of Christ instead of our own human love which is beyond puny in comparison...the world will see.
We were made for community. We were made to be there for one another. Man was not meant to live alone. We were made to help one another, to love one another, no matter what. Life isn't about being happy all of the time as so many people today think it is. It's not about living for yourself..doing all of the fun things you can think of, achieving the goals of our life for yourself. It's not about that. It's about Christ, and it's about others. Oh the way Americans live makes me so upset. Alone and isolated. Living for ourselves. Making a living just to survive and do things for our own enjoyment. (I'm so guilty of this). Making so little time for others. Hardening our hearts to make life easier. No no no. Christ, touch my heart...even if that means I'll feel the pain that You feel sometimes.
Self care. Necessary. Fun. Necessary. A light and joyous heart. Necessary.
But that's not all, and that's not the bigger picture.
Why can't we see beyond ourselves?
OOO I've just been SO frustrated with myself and the general Christian population for how WEAK, SELFISH, and without the MIND OF CHRIST we've become. CHRISTianity is about CHRIST. Not about ourselves. As I write this I have a giant lump in my throat because I'm just so upset about what Christianity has become, and how lacking we are in our understanding of Love, Christ, and the great commision. We get these jobs (lots of them because we "want to help others"), but who are we really serving? Usually ourselves. We take pride in helping others. No no no. We shouldn't take pride in that. We can't boast in anything but our Lord. We can boast because CHRIST helped someone, saved someone, enabled us to do something great. But it's not for our own glory. Life's not about glorifying humans. It's about humans loving and serving our God. Humans loving other humans because God so Loved us...
I want to love. I want a servants heart. I want to leave this world and leave the legacy that I loved because I had Jesus in my heart. I want people to know how much I loved them, but more importantly I want them to know why I loved them so. I want people to see that Love changes things. Love changes hearts, lives, situations. Love can do these things because it is the Love of Christ and through Christ we can do anything. True love is selfless. Relentless. Compassionate. Saving. CHRISTlike. I beg God for a loving heart because I'm so sick of my own human heart!
Lord,
I give up so easily. I'm so weak. Father, forgive me for making things all about me. Give me your heart and a clean spirit. Give me wisdom and grace. Show me what Love is. Show me my heart for what it is. Break my heart for what breaks Yours Lord. God I want Your heart. In Jesus' name I pray these these things. Amen.
I feel like these have become just words. Mere words. The meaning, the value, the depth behind them has been drained. I myself find myself giving up on these "virtues" or "values." This life is hard. Pain and sufferring happen and it's hard to love. Really love. It's hard to forgive, it's hard to still seek community when you've been heart by people.
Why did Christ come to earth, live a human life, and die a sinners death...when he was innocent? Did he do it just to save us? Well, yes He did do it to save us...but why? It was because He LOVED us. He LOVES us! Sinners! Murderers of our own flesh! Christ DIED an UGLY death for us because He LOVED us! How have we lost sight of what love like that means? Why have we gotten so busy, so selfish, so wrapped up in "how we will change the world," when Love can do that??
Christians. CHRISTians. Christ. Love. For God SO LOVED THE WORLD He sent His only begotten SON so that whoever believes in Him will never die...but live eternally!!! Christ came because he LOVED us! God sent His son because He LOVED us!!! Who are we to think we can change the world without the Love and power of Christ?!
I have become so frustrated with myself because I don't love the way Christ would have me love. I give up. I get upset because I don't recieve the way I'd have it, so I give up. How selfish is that?! No more.
If we (Christians) can grasp the concept of loving in a Christ like manner (no...that doesn't just mean loving platonically...it means truly loving...no matter the circumstances, no matter the depth of relationship, no matter any of that), we can change the world. If we do what we were made to do, and spread the Love of Christ instead of our own human love which is beyond puny in comparison...the world will see.
We were made for community. We were made to be there for one another. Man was not meant to live alone. We were made to help one another, to love one another, no matter what. Life isn't about being happy all of the time as so many people today think it is. It's not about living for yourself..doing all of the fun things you can think of, achieving the goals of our life for yourself. It's not about that. It's about Christ, and it's about others. Oh the way Americans live makes me so upset. Alone and isolated. Living for ourselves. Making a living just to survive and do things for our own enjoyment. (I'm so guilty of this). Making so little time for others. Hardening our hearts to make life easier. No no no. Christ, touch my heart...even if that means I'll feel the pain that You feel sometimes.
Self care. Necessary. Fun. Necessary. A light and joyous heart. Necessary.
But that's not all, and that's not the bigger picture.
Why can't we see beyond ourselves?
OOO I've just been SO frustrated with myself and the general Christian population for how WEAK, SELFISH, and without the MIND OF CHRIST we've become. CHRISTianity is about CHRIST. Not about ourselves. As I write this I have a giant lump in my throat because I'm just so upset about what Christianity has become, and how lacking we are in our understanding of Love, Christ, and the great commision. We get these jobs (lots of them because we "want to help others"), but who are we really serving? Usually ourselves. We take pride in helping others. No no no. We shouldn't take pride in that. We can't boast in anything but our Lord. We can boast because CHRIST helped someone, saved someone, enabled us to do something great. But it's not for our own glory. Life's not about glorifying humans. It's about humans loving and serving our God. Humans loving other humans because God so Loved us...
I want to love. I want a servants heart. I want to leave this world and leave the legacy that I loved because I had Jesus in my heart. I want people to know how much I loved them, but more importantly I want them to know why I loved them so. I want people to see that Love changes things. Love changes hearts, lives, situations. Love can do these things because it is the Love of Christ and through Christ we can do anything. True love is selfless. Relentless. Compassionate. Saving. CHRISTlike. I beg God for a loving heart because I'm so sick of my own human heart!
Lord,
I give up so easily. I'm so weak. Father, forgive me for making things all about me. Give me your heart and a clean spirit. Give me wisdom and grace. Show me what Love is. Show me my heart for what it is. Break my heart for what breaks Yours Lord. God I want Your heart. In Jesus' name I pray these these things. Amen.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Have it all
Today I was thinking about how much God wants our heart. Not just a part of it, He wants the whole thing. He is jealous for our love because of how much He loves us. I imagine a small child, trying to get the attention of his mother. The child continues to poke her and call for her. What she percieves as maybe an annoyance. She is trying to get her work done, and doesn't have time for the child's games at the moment. The child wants her full attention, but she can't give it to him. God wants our full attention. He will continue to poke us and sometimes in bigger ways than others. He's not going to quit until He has your attention.
"You won't relent until You have it all...my heart is Yours."
An awesome girl, we'll call her Nel...told me that she sees humans as little art projects, and God is the artist. He is the ultimate potter, and we are little clay pots. We can be hard clay or soft clay. Either way, God will have His way with us to turn us into something beautiful. His masterpiece. However, if we choose to be hard clay and not submit ourselves and our plans to Him, He's going to have to be a little more rough with the clay. If we choose to submit ourselves and let God mold us, we are soft clay. This doesn't mean life will be easy, it means that God will fully transform us into what He had in mind for us to be from the day we were born.
Lord, remind me that you are working on me for the best and help me to be soft and moldable. Shape me so that You can use me for Your glory.
I'm not trying to say that we go through hard things because we are hard clay, because I think God lets us go through things for various reasons, and sometimes we don't know why. I am suggesting that we should submit ourselves and our plans to God, because His plans are WAY better than our own. If we do everything for ourselves, God will not relent. Not until He has all of us. Our whole heart-which includes our desires, our plans, everything. He wants them because He loves us.
"You won't relent until You have it all...my heart is Yours."
An awesome girl, we'll call her Nel...told me that she sees humans as little art projects, and God is the artist. He is the ultimate potter, and we are little clay pots. We can be hard clay or soft clay. Either way, God will have His way with us to turn us into something beautiful. His masterpiece. However, if we choose to be hard clay and not submit ourselves and our plans to Him, He's going to have to be a little more rough with the clay. If we choose to submit ourselves and let God mold us, we are soft clay. This doesn't mean life will be easy, it means that God will fully transform us into what He had in mind for us to be from the day we were born.
Lord, remind me that you are working on me for the best and help me to be soft and moldable. Shape me so that You can use me for Your glory.
I'm not trying to say that we go through hard things because we are hard clay, because I think God lets us go through things for various reasons, and sometimes we don't know why. I am suggesting that we should submit ourselves and our plans to God, because His plans are WAY better than our own. If we do everything for ourselves, God will not relent. Not until He has all of us. Our whole heart-which includes our desires, our plans, everything. He wants them because He loves us.
Friday, November 12, 2010
"And I could play the background...and You could take the lead"
Dear God,
Thank You for being in control of my life. Thank You for healing my wounds, and bringing me joy always. Thank You for Your Holy Spirit to guide and direct me. Thank You because I'm never alone. Thank You for comforting me when I'm afraid or sad. Thank You for being my Dad. Thank You for kissing my hurting heart when it gets broken. Thank You for bringing amazing people into my life who aren't afraid to speak truth into me when it's something I'm lacking.
Forgive me for trying to be in control, and trying to do Your job for You. My life is in Your hands, and I pray that everything I say or do would be screened by You. I pray that as people read or hear my words, that You would blot out anything that is of my flesh and not of You, Lord.
Without You, I am nothing. Without You, I am dust. Without You, my words are pointless. But with You and through You, I can do anything! Thank You for breathing new life into me!
Love, your daughter.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
Lecrae-Background
Thank You for being in control of my life. Thank You for healing my wounds, and bringing me joy always. Thank You for Your Holy Spirit to guide and direct me. Thank You because I'm never alone. Thank You for comforting me when I'm afraid or sad. Thank You for being my Dad. Thank You for kissing my hurting heart when it gets broken. Thank You for bringing amazing people into my life who aren't afraid to speak truth into me when it's something I'm lacking.
Forgive me for trying to be in control, and trying to do Your job for You. My life is in Your hands, and I pray that everything I say or do would be screened by You. I pray that as people read or hear my words, that You would blot out anything that is of my flesh and not of You, Lord.
Without You, I am nothing. Without You, I am dust. Without You, my words are pointless. But with You and through You, I can do anything! Thank You for breathing new life into me!
Love, your daughter.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
Lecrae-Background
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
In reference to my previous post...
PS-in reference to my post below:
Praise God for putting people in my life to lift me up during seasons when the tide is high. Praise Him for working everything out for His glory, and for giving me the courage to finally talk about and be honest with my feelings. Praise Him for revealing truths about human nature, and how humble Christ was to take on human form and live here on earth.
Praise God for putting people in my life to lift me up during seasons when the tide is high. Praise Him for working everything out for His glory, and for giving me the courage to finally talk about and be honest with my feelings. Praise Him for revealing truths about human nature, and how humble Christ was to take on human form and live here on earth.
Broken
I've heard that: If everyone threw their problems in a pile and the rule was that you had to take a problem out of the pile, we would probably all take our own problems back.
I've heard that: If someone asks us how we are doing and we don't have time to tell them about our lives, the answer is probably going to be "good." If they have a little time to listen, the answer may sound more like, "broken." If they had a lot of time to listen, we'd probably start sobbing.
How many of you put on a happy face and go through life, tough as you are, only to come home and cry in the shower or in your bed? How many of us have done that, and nobody ever knows about it?
I'm all for optimism. I'm all for braving the storm. I'm all for leaning on God's strength and getting through hard things. BUT...as a family of Christ followers...we need to listen to others and have compassion for them. And everyone's problems, and feelings...do matter.
A friend of mine said this to me when we were talking about a similar issue. She said that sometimes she just wants to say, "ok, i know we all have issues and problems...can you LISTEN to mine please?"
Why is it that as Christians, we minimize our own, and each others' feelings? God doesn't say that life will be easier because He is in it. He promises that He won't leave our side and will walk with us the whole way. Our pain can still exist, and we can still acknowledge it. I'm so SICK of hiding my feelings. I'm SICK of people making me feel like my feelings are unimportant because I have God. I do have God! And God lets me feel things! So can we please talk about those feelings, because they don't get covered up because I'm a Christian! I have God to get me through it, but it still exists! As a Christian community, we need to support each other. That means we are to laugh with each other...AND mourn with each other!
If we are upset about something, or have a feeling about something...it is there for a reason. Can we listen to each other and build one another up? Instead of making that person feel isolated in their feelings, can we support and encourage them, and acklowledge that their feelings are real and legitimate? Can we come together during difficult times and mourn for one another, and praise God for never leaving our side?
Can we take the challenge to practice REAL Christian community and fellowship, and do life together? Can we develop close, meaningful relationships and do everything possible to lift each other up?
Come on Church. That's all of us. I know we're all tired and broken.
To my brothers and sisters who have been there for me no matter what, and who have laughed and mourned with me. Thank you SO much for your support. Thank you for never telling me that my feelings are over the top, or making me feel like they are unimportant. Please forgive me for times that I haven't been the same for you. I know I am definitely guilty of minimizing peoples' feelings, and not really listening. Thank you for your patience with me.
Loving you,
Alex
I've heard that: If someone asks us how we are doing and we don't have time to tell them about our lives, the answer is probably going to be "good." If they have a little time to listen, the answer may sound more like, "broken." If they had a lot of time to listen, we'd probably start sobbing.
How many of you put on a happy face and go through life, tough as you are, only to come home and cry in the shower or in your bed? How many of us have done that, and nobody ever knows about it?
I'm all for optimism. I'm all for braving the storm. I'm all for leaning on God's strength and getting through hard things. BUT...as a family of Christ followers...we need to listen to others and have compassion for them. And everyone's problems, and feelings...do matter.
A friend of mine said this to me when we were talking about a similar issue. She said that sometimes she just wants to say, "ok, i know we all have issues and problems...can you LISTEN to mine please?"
Why is it that as Christians, we minimize our own, and each others' feelings? God doesn't say that life will be easier because He is in it. He promises that He won't leave our side and will walk with us the whole way. Our pain can still exist, and we can still acknowledge it. I'm so SICK of hiding my feelings. I'm SICK of people making me feel like my feelings are unimportant because I have God. I do have God! And God lets me feel things! So can we please talk about those feelings, because they don't get covered up because I'm a Christian! I have God to get me through it, but it still exists! As a Christian community, we need to support each other. That means we are to laugh with each other...AND mourn with each other!
If we are upset about something, or have a feeling about something...it is there for a reason. Can we listen to each other and build one another up? Instead of making that person feel isolated in their feelings, can we support and encourage them, and acklowledge that their feelings are real and legitimate? Can we come together during difficult times and mourn for one another, and praise God for never leaving our side?
Can we take the challenge to practice REAL Christian community and fellowship, and do life together? Can we develop close, meaningful relationships and do everything possible to lift each other up?
Come on Church. That's all of us. I know we're all tired and broken.
To my brothers and sisters who have been there for me no matter what, and who have laughed and mourned with me. Thank you SO much for your support. Thank you for never telling me that my feelings are over the top, or making me feel like they are unimportant. Please forgive me for times that I haven't been the same for you. I know I am definitely guilty of minimizing peoples' feelings, and not really listening. Thank you for your patience with me.
Loving you,
Alex
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